Intimacy vs. Isolation

This is the crisis teenagers face according to Erik Erikson in his Psychosocial Theory. The 6th of the eight-stages theory, this is where intimacy comes in, the state of being close to another person, to friends, and even to the members of the society. It is also the time where one feels isolated, when he doesn't show his care and concern to others because of the fear of getting hurt. These behaviors might be normal in this stage, depending on how an individual deals with his struggles. The attraction to the opposite kind, the rush of unwanted emotion, the feeling of having a significant other, and the want of having a partner comes in. Many might get these feelings mistaken and think that it is true love though the reality is that they have been overcomed by their infatuation for that person. However, there are still many instances where you believe the connection between the both of you is already more admiration, more than a crush, where you have learned to set aside differences and antagonisms between the both of you. That is love.

Oh men! Do I have to do this again?

I did not mean to preach on the introduction of this post. I just can't seem to find a way on how to move on, honestly. :'( I have realized how stoic I was and how I took things for granted. Any help?

I know there is no coherence at all with the sentences I have made. There are just so many things that boggles me right now, that I can't wait to see my best friend again so that I can spill all these emotions. This face of mine is a pure facade of a delicate persona inside. But I don't have plans of showing her to people.

Here's the bottomline. I was in love, am broke, and uncertain of what's gonna happen next.

The word is MOVE

MOVE on. I had enough of emoting and effin' choock chack chenes stuff, had shed a good amount of tears, had finally said "It's over." This is the emotion I so avoided before but my effort of running away from it seemed not too good enough since I have found myself dipped in a batter of heart ache. (char) I could finally say I am normal, that I have already experienced what a normal teenager has to experience. NBSB pa rin ako ha, tandaan! hehe...but I have officially moved on.

MOVE out. After renting that bungalow for three years, we are now busy packing our things up to transfer to a new house, the fourth and final house in 19 years. The Lord finally answered our prayers and now, the church has a permanent church lot and building, though we are still on the process of paying the place. Many sponsored the construction since we cannot afford the establishment by ourselves. Maybe we are moving out this week or the next, depending on the state of our new home. Goodbye to our sweet neighbors and goodbye mango trees. I will miss your fruit so much.

MOVE up. The second semester has ended. With it were the sleepless nights just to have a desirable score in our major, the series of observations in elementary schools within the city, the ceaseless making of lesson plans and instructional materials, and some teary issues with life. I will be a junior Education student next semester by the grace of God, but before that I have to accomplish three subjects this summer. So help me God.

Period

This is the END of it all. I have confirmed the fact that you are not telling the truth and you are not true to your words. I was used to seeing you so occasionally and every time that happens, you throw a charming smile. Yes. I admit you are charming. But not my prince charming, I realized. I have bigger dreams to fulfill and you aren't part of it. No more. I am not defending you from my bad ego anymore. No more, I say.

Those tears were enough. Thank you to the friends who consoled me. I am not in the position to feel this way because in the first place, I did not give you a chance. But I said you wait, didn't I? Well, enough of the drama. You're happy now, I dearly hope. Carry on.

Period.

How well can you remember?

Not for my friend, that is. She keeps on forgetting so many things but ironically, she's very good in class -- good in class recitations, quizzes, and other classroom performances.

I did not meddle with the trouble she's having with her memory. This time, however, I think it would be quite sensational to make a post out of a recent encounter.

I asked her to send a set of papers to a nearby internet cafe since she used to pass that way in going home. She agreed to do me a favor and have my book binded. Since the book will be claimed the next day together with the payment, she returned to me the money. That was Monday afternoon.

The next day, Tuesday, she told me that she will claim the book already and that she needs the payment. I handed it to her. I was very much thankful for the kindness. That afternoon, she told me through an SMS that she will bring the book. When we met on the corridors of the College of Education, she told me that she forgot the book and that I should remind her to bring it the next day. I said okay and did what she asked. I reminded her in person and even sent a text message.

Wednesday. I was rushing to see her, expecting that the book has already been brought. The reply? "Hala Rol, sorry jud kaayo. Nalimot na pud ko." Once again, I said, "Okay rah. Ayaw kalimot dala rung hapon ha." She gave a smile and said to remind her once again.

Before we parted ways for lunch, I told her to bring the book. She nodded a million times and bid goodbye. But for the nth time already, she forgot to bring it.

Thursday. "Sha, ang libro?" She was surprised upon seeing me. "Hala Rol, tua sa balay. Nalimot na pud ko." Same story. Same alibi. My goodness. My patience is thinning. How many times do I have to remid her about the book. But still, I understood her plight for I have also experienced that also for so many times already in the past. I told him about how my father gave me sermons about the book not brought to the house yet but I made my own set of alibis to cover the forgetfulness of my friend.

Her selective amnesia worsened that afternoon. Redundant, as usual, I reminded her not to forget the book, through a text message. She said that she has finally placed it on their lamiseta so that she won't forget. Couple of minutes later, she texted me, saying that she's on her way to school already. I asked her if she brought the book. How she replied? "Hala uy. Naunsa na gud ni. Nalimot na pud ko Ros. Naa na man to sa lamisa ganina."

I was furious for a second.

"Naunsa na gud ka? Baliki jud to Sha. Gikasab-an na ra ba jud kong tatay."

"Oh. Karun rang hapon paghuman sa atong klase."

"Ok."

We met like nothing happened but I reminded her over and over again about the book. Right after the class, she rushed home to get the book. She texted, "Ros, nakasakay na ko."

"Aw maayo. Ayu2."

Later...

"Hala Ros, nabilin ang libro."

"Ha? Ni uli na ka nya limot ra japun ka sa libro? Baliki jud to."

"Lagi. Kalasa ug pliti ani uy."

"Kalas jud. Limtanun man gud ka."

"Kasakay ra dayun ko Ros."

"Aw maayo. Dala na pud dagway nimuy ang book?"

"Oo. Sa wakas. hehe"

-end of conversation-

The book was finally in my hands but before so, she still had to pass several stages of forgetfulness to give the book to me.

*lol*

The 12 1/2 things you should know about writing

I was re-encoding some texts for our English bulletin board when I encountered these 12 and a half things that a writer should put into heart. I have remarks every after each item, by the way. Guilty, I am of some you know.

1. If you write every day, you get better at writing every day.
(I don't write every day, though I take down notes when in class. That's writing right, but that is not what this statement means.)

2. If it’s boring to you, it’s boring to your reader.
(Not all the time, maybe. I had a chance of writing a boring story but when my friends read it, they said it's nice. That was so long ago, though.)

3. Get a writing routine and stick with it.
(uhmmmm...*eyes to the sky)

4. Poetry does not have to rhyme.
(True!)

5. Resist stereotypes, in real life and in your writing.
(Yeah! Thumbs up to this.)

6. Writers read. Writers read a lot. Writers read all the time.
(I read, but I choose the material. I just don't read anything. I read if it's my type of book. And I read when I am in the mood. Seems like a habit to extinguish, right?)

7. Make lists of your favorite words and books and places and things.
(I write new words and new terms in any notebook that I spot, and when I need those, I do not know where to find it.)

8. There doesn’t always have to be a moral to the story.
(I'll take note of this. I once thought a story is not a story without the moral.)

9. Always bring a notebook. Always bring a spare pen.
(Guilty me, super. I posted once about how the absence of pen made me loose the chance of winning some incentives. I will also take note of this.)

10. Go for walks. Dance. Pull weeds. Do the dishes. Write about it.
(I do this before, but I have observed lately how I lost interest in writing. I just hope this is passing.)

11. Don’t settle on just one style. Try something new!
(Is doing this. Yeah, thanks for reminding.)

12. Learn to tell both sides of the story.
(One of the essentials in news writing. But I do it differently sometimes. I am bias.)

12 ½ . Stop looking at this poster. Write something!

After reading the last item, I dashed to my account and posted this one. I have finally written something after several weeks of setting my blog aside. Happy writing!

:)

The Angry Me

I am officially angry--angry for the things that I do not know. Maybe there are specific things that made me angry today but to sum it up, I myself cannot explain this feeling inside. I don't want to be angry, to sin, to hurt anyone with my mood swings, and to ruin anyone's day because of this spoiled tantrum. 

I went out of the office tonight feeling that burden. I was supposed to finish the editing of the multimedia and have it submitted again after our teacher in FS said that we still do not have a grade. I am referring to my group who did not have any single contribution to this project. I am not bragging for shouldering the activity. That is the truth. And thinking that someone from the office can help me, I went there. But nothing happened. At the end of the day, I failed to pass the multimedia. I have to wait for this day to end so that by tomorrow, I would be hopefully done with this task. This activity has stressed me for many nights already and unless this will not be sent via e-mail to our teacher within this short span of time, I will never settle down. My favored video was downloaded but it was not enough. It cannot be attached to my Powerpoint Presentation because of so many reasons. It would just make this post super duper ultra mega long. 

Anyhow, I went home heavy hearted. I want to burst into tears. I want to throw something. I want to hit someone. I want to heave a deep sigh from the deepest abyss of the empty red organ in my chest. I want to go to another world. But it seems blurry, all of it. Nothing will happen to me if I will stay drowning in this state. YES! I am angry. I am angry, not to anyone, but to how things has worked out. I am not blaming anyone. I am not seeking for chaos. I just want to express this feeling within.

So please bare with me!

Math oh Math

"Ay dili na lang ko musulod. Math ra bitaw na."


Wow! These are the things that I have heard from that stranger standing at the back of me. I wonder if she has ever encountered difficulties in that subject I don't like the most. Imagine how she makes the subject easy by absenting from it. I wish I could be as calm as her and say "Math ra bitaw nah." But I think it won't happen. Math is Math. Dili jud na sya madala ug 'ra'.

Random Thoughts Part 7

 One down. Thanks to their decision of giving the final exam earlier than the set schedule, I now have one less of a subject to study. Everything went well during the exam and I am confident to attain a good score. Thank you Lord for the wisdom. 

Silent Week? Hectic Week. This is supposed to be "The Silent Week" because next week will already be the final examination week. I define it as week without pressures, constrains, projects, and even a week without exams. It means that this week will be a week to "unstress" the brain, if there is a term like that. *wink* But why is it that almost all the projects of our various subjects are being deadllined this week? Where are their considerations. Did they not know that students like us should have that "rest of the mind" so that we can concentrate well in our exams? Anyway, I think taking the Silent Week for granted is already a normal sight in NORSU, and instead of flocking in the library to study for the exams the next week, most of them are found in the internet station at the 4th floor of the CAS building to make various projects and other researches. The library is almost of no use, sad to say. This coming weekend, instead of preparing and making a schedule for the things that I have to study for the next week, I have to be out and shoot our playlet in Ed5, a requirement with a deadline I have already missed. This is a group work but I think I am the only one concerned with the welfare of our project. They're willing to pay, though, that's what they said. *

Missing the big break. I was told by a friend to audition for an Indie film, and that audition is supposed to be today. However, I have a class to attend to and an inferiority to take care so the pursuit of being a future "actress" was not given a chance. Duh! I did not have bitter regrets though, because I know I have recommended a friend of mine who is very willing to join. It is only her hectic class schedule that gaps her and the audition. This time, I am waiting for her text about how her audition went, or at least, I hope she went to the Capitol building to even just check it out. The film planned to be made by a Norwegian filmmaker is about the story of Filipina women in the present society marrying foreigners. Hmmm! Not a bad film, you think?

Fast Track. Time is moving faster and I don't know how it is done. I just hope I can finish all the tasks that I am doing right now and be on the right track. My God is the source of all strength and wisdom. All I have to do is take care of my body and eat a lot. 

:)