Overthinking

Today is a repetition of yesterday and tomorrow will be the exact replica of today. But there are no two days that happened exactly alike. ~ Jane Franco

What bothered me yesterday still bothers me today, and I’ll be thinking of the same thought tomorrow. If I will not allow myself for a chance of candor, then I’d be living like this until who-knows-when.

It’s about taking chances – taking chances on two different souls, taking chances on telling them the truth about what I truly feel for them, what I truly want, what I honestly think would be best for us, and what I think would put a smile on God’s face. I can’t afford to initiate however, for I find it fit for them to “make the first call”. I still think they have to start the conversation, man to man, (aw, man to woman pala) and that would be the perfect time to pour out all my emotions.

It’s hard to be like this every day since they are both geographically far from me. They are islands away, and I am left contemplating from day to day. If only they were honest and braver when they had the chance to talk with me before, I could’ve told them the truth. I could've been a freed bird now.

'Til today, they continue to hold on to that 5% spark and every day, I die a million deaths as I think about them and their thoughts of a chance. Every day, I get hurt by the thought that I still haven’t told them the truth because every day, though they are so far away, they never miss to show effort, to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. It’s a privilege, but it’s also a burden.

I will never tell them via call or text. That would be rude and inappropriate, especially because this has something to do with our emotions. This is something to be taken seriously. This is not a game of cards. This is something to be talked over a cup of coffee. This is a big deal since they have already invested so much, emotionally. And it's partially my fault for not stopping them. 

This is not an issue about love. This is about bravery, honesty, open-mindedness, faith, and closure. This is not an issue about love because I know what I need now, more than ever. This is not an issue about love or about unsure feelings because I am quite confident to say that my feelings aren’t deceiving me this time. This is not an issue about love, but sure, yeah, this is an issue about unrequited love.

I want this over with, but until they say, “Can we talk?” I will continue dealing with this groundswell of mixed emotions inside my system. May God bless their soul!

Months, And Counting!

Part of our deal was to explore and dine in (affordable) restos around Dumaguete City once a month during our Friendsary. My close college friends/publication buddies/medems and I started celebrating our one-of-a-kind friendship February of this year. The idea surfaced when we were lying inside our almost-shabby-but-still-manageable-greenish tent, gazing at the full moon. It was supposed to be a celebration of SAD or Single Awareness Day. Guess what day it was! Yeah! February 15, a day after the world celebrated heart hearts or Araw ng mga Puso. In English, uhm, uh…yeah, I remember. Valentine’s Day. So it all started there.

We only see each other once a month now due to our busy working schedules unlike in college wherein we see each other almost every day. They both work night shift on a “kewl” call center in the city while I teach in our municipality, about 29 kilometers away from the Negros Oriental capital. And we make sure we arrange our meeting on a weekend. If the 15^th of a particular  month falls on a weekday, we only send greetings to each other and then automatically make plans for the upcoming weekend. On that particular day, we make the most out of our bonding. We eat, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk (insert choking and laughing at the same time here), and the best part—take groupies! ^_^

Sometimes, it’s okay for people to be away for a while because you will have something to look forward to; and the excitement that tags along with it will never fade. It is on that day wherein you hate to see each other part but you have to because you know that although you will miss them, you will definitely see them once again soon.

Like all other friendships, ours wasn’t also perfect. There were misunderstandings and mistrusts. There were Indianan moments and ruined expectations. There were away-bati episodes, just like all other friendships. But I personally thank God because He preserved this relationship. Sayang naman ang pinag-samahan, the years we spent together, and of course, it’s hard to let go of people you love so dear.

Cheers to our friendship! Cheers to all our friendships! May they last a lifetime!

Bubbles in the Wind

The past few days have been silent episodes of my existence as a self-confessed chronic blogger. Lately however, as I scanned through possible Youth Bible Study Guide materials, I came across two lovely poems written by names I never know. So yeah, their God-inspired poems are worth sharing.

Bubbles in the Wind

By Robert R. Hostetler

Sometimes, Lord, my faith seems

so fragile.

            Like bubbles in the wind.

They sparkle with transparent

color

            and wobble in the wind,

                        frail and fine.

I want to be strong, to feel in

control.

But then

I remember

            it’s their delicate weakness

and their utter surrender to the

breeze

that allow bubbles in the wind

to fly.

Untitled

By Gulsvig

Feeling desperately alone

Yet not knowing why

And not really wanting to try

To know the reason

Yet still farther

Down in the corners of my mind

Is a question

Wondering why

I still feel it slipping away;

The cold north wind

Blowing through my soul,

Right through to my heart

Piercing it and what?

One drop appears

Falling slowly

One crimson drop

…’tis my Savior’s!

pulp credits