Uncertainties (Again)

Sometimes I think if this is still right,
If this is worth keeping,
If this is worth sacrificing.
It tires me to think if you're thinking about me, too.
It bothers me, and I hate it.

Sweet gestures have slowly faded into the background.
Am I expecting for consistency or am I too ambitious to wish for a fairy tail?
Because with the tick of the clock, you slowly change. You've changed. Or did I?

Did I really fall in love with you?
Or was it the efforts that made me like you?
Why am I feeling strange?
Why am I having this weird feeling that this is but a facade,
And that you're just like them -- a white-washed tomb with skeletons inside?
Or is it me?

Just tell me if you wish to end this,
And I'll willingly let you go.
I wish to be certain about many things,
And I hope for you to help me on that.
But you're tired now, and you have no time to notice my struggles.
I have become overly dramatic again, according to you.

So let us just close our eyes and hope tomorrow will be different.

Something New

Nine months ago, I made a decision. Nine months ago, I thought of things differently. Nine months ago, I did not have you. But nine months later, something just turned out to be spectacular and scary and exciting all at the same time.

Of all the many firsts, this is the best. Of all the many firsts, this is the most frightening. Of all the many firsts, this gave me the most number of feelings one could possibly feel in a moment.

I count the days til I'll see you again. And I count the remaining days before you leave me once more. The same cycle went on for nine months. This will go on for years, I presume. But I am left with no choice. Perhaps, I just have to live with it, get used to it.

Then again, this is something new and this is something great!

Soli Deo Gloria! 🌼

Late Night Madness

Let me clear the cobwebs,
Let me clean this mess.
The atmosphere should once again be filled
With unspoken words and unexpressed emotions.

Let me begin by saying that I love you.
I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know why.
Although the world was skeptic
I took a different route and landed to your heart.

I prayed for specifics. I asked for this.
Then got curious, explored, and fell down
The dark pit you promised to never bring me.
I believed, I trusted, but I got into trouble.

What happened woke me to the truth
That you could be God's blessing
Or a warning for further, bigger disappointment.
But I am still hoping it was but a lapse in judgment.

We promised to grow together in God's love
To pray, to read His Word, to talk about Him.
The warmth of your voice when you said the lines
Made me believe it is true afterall.

Seemingly, however, it turned out to be a facade.
It was a false hope I lived by,
Waiting you'll have the old fervency back.
I waited, nothing happened. I nudged, you ignored.

And now I miss my first love,
Pursuing to grow in Him alone.
All along I thought we'd grow together
We'd pray and delight in Him.

Late night talks, however, have become
Empty, worthless chitchats of ugly pasts
No blessing, no learning, nothing but pain.
Nothing from the Scriptures, none at all.

Let me help you, but please help yourself, too.
I prayed for a prayer partner
And a man who can bring me closer to Christ
But you only seem to drift further away from Him.

Just because you stand on love's firm ground
Doesn't mean you'll not fail
So please do not forger your first love.
He's waiting for us both underneath the cross.

If these talks about Christ bores you though
Tell me straightforwardly
And I shall stop
So that you, too, can cease with pretentions to win my heart.

Be honest and be kind to my longing soul
Free me from doubts and fears
And give me the right reasons to finally leave
Before it's too late, before it's dark.

If this is not the life you wish,
That I keep telling you about Christ
Please speak to me so that I can prepare
I can pray and cry and hope again.

I already told you that my wishes are simple ---
Pray for me and let me hear it
Read His Word aloud and understand it.
Worship Him, sing to Him, adore Him
And please, let me join you in such ectasy.

That is what pure bliss is.
That is what pure love is.
That is what pure joy is.
And that is what I long to do with you.
Ever since, ever since. Ever since.

The kisses are fine.
The promises, oh, cliche.
The sensualities, misleading.
      But our conversation about grace,
      That is what elates me the most!

If it'll take too long to arrive,
I pray that God give me the courage to tell you
Tell you to stop the drama and stop the show.
Happy days are over, and fairytales are lies.

Halt.
Breathe.
Think again.
Ask. Is this relationship still right?

You love me, you said it's true.
But love the Lord first
And show that it is really true.
Then I will believe you and give you my all.

There you have it ladies and gents
This is but a rant of a sleepyhead at 10:37 PM
Words even can't find a rhyme.
But I hope you got what I meant.