Flustered

Have you tried such abnormality when you're anticipating for something but you don't want it to happen anyway? Or wanting to see someone but hesitant to tell that someone about what you really feel? Or trying to absorb that everything's going to be fine when the truth is nothing feels right?

I finally had the guts to tell myself that I am feeling a little disturbed about something. I realized I am beginning to be more like those other girls who tell me about that four-letter word which they call LOVE. It's so awkward that a gal like me who once hated the word is now inclined to it. I really do not know how to describe such feeling by details but the fact that I have made myself admit that I am "in love" is enough.

The ugly truth is that I am not only hooked to one man. There's two of them, sadly. And I honestly hate myself for that. If only my father wasn't too strict about such relationship, I could have said yes to the both of them. But it sounds so wrong. I believe you would also tell me it's enormously wrong to fall in love with not only one but two men at the same time. I'm sorry but even I myself cannot understand me. Good thing I love my father more than them so I am wise enough for choosing to follow tatay over my heart.

Two more days and I will be back to that site where I met that one man who built and broke my heart two years ago. I wish he would be there. However, such wish would only remain a wish for he will definitely never show up. The other one is hard to predict. We have built a mutual relationship through texting since my high school years but until now, nothing's happening. I haven't even talked to him in person yet. I never knew him personally but his beautiful face just pops into my head every now and then.

If given the chance to change anything from my past, it would be those days when I met both of them. I would never focus on their presence in order for me not feel this miserably hideous feeling that I am painfully bearing until now.

I want some help but I'm afraid I am not getting any of it.

(drama ayu noh?..pasenxa na po..batter me for this post if you want..hehe)